just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
