totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
