Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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