i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How does it feel to date your dad?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
