We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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