Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
