my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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