I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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