wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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