I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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