good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
