We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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