Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
