ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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