He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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