so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
