The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
