what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
