If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
