Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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