hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
