apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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