Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
