Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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