New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
