pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
