In the future we'll all be gay
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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