I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize