How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
