break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
