Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize