What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
