the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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