you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
