I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
