Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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