I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
