Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
