Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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