I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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