BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She's the barista slut.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
