i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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