Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
