Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
