I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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