my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
