thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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