That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
