just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
