is your mom at the bar?
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
