Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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