i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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