i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
