this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
