I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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