Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize