literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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