DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
