Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
