you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We have started to decorate penises.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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