I showed him my bush... on skype.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
