my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
