I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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